23 March Confrontation

23 March

Over the last few weeks I have felt empathy with so many of these sensitive powerful horses. I have realised that I am just like a horse. I like being in a group (herd) of like minded people with shared objectives. I like to know my place in the group. I like to have clarity about things. I like to be respected for my contribution to the group. I have spent my working life helping my clients to gain clarity and focus. It is not surprising that I need that for me. But I also know that I have clung on to situations when things have changed and I have lost my clarity.

I have spent 4 weeks here with Willy watching him confront horses head on. I have even witnessed him creating situations where he suspected there may be an issue so that confrontation may occur. He does not avoid confrontation. He sees the smallest digression…or he creates a situation to bring out the digression where he suspects it may occur…..then he intervenes immediately. Then he is so quick to correct and reward. He does not avoid confrontation as I am apt to do. Why do I avoid it? Perhaps because I am afraid of the consequences? Perhaps because I’m not sure I’ll be able to deal with the reaction? Perhaps because I’m afraid of losing something?

Let me give you an example. This morning Willy rode Tamtam. He decided to ride him at feeding time. Eric, his mate and next door neighbour, was eating his feed. Tamtam didn’t get any feed. Instead he got Willy with a headcollar (which means work!) Tamtam was having none of it. He gave the horsey equivalent of two fingers and went to the back of the box and turned his bum on Willy. Willy said “au place” and again Tamtam moved to the other corner, bum directed at Willy. Willy said “au place” and Tamtam ignored him again. Willy hit him with the headcollar across his bum and growled “au place”. Tamtam was completely surprised. Turned around and put his head in the headcollar!!

If this would have been me I know I would not have done the same. First of all I wouldn’t have chosen to ride him at feed time. Then I wouldn’t have demanded Tamtam’s attention. I would probably have waited and approached from the shoulder with a treat. This is what Willy calls “Please Sweety sweety darling” behaviour. This is avoiding confrontation and trying to find a way around things to avoid confrontation. The problem remains!! I have just avoided it…..this time. Willy prefers to confront issues and resolve them head on so that they are resolved once and for all. I see it is better.

The issue is having the confidence to do this. If we are frightened of the horse’s reaction he will sense this and he will be able to win. We must confront only when we are sure of success…..so we need to work on intervening successfully….and the more we do this the more situations we will be able to confront. If we are unsure of our ability to handle the confrontation we must be wise enough to know that and to seek help.

The diagram above shows the vicious cycle we can get into with avoiding and ignoring issues. When we loose confidence we "avoid" and "ignore". When we avoid we do not confront so the issue remains. When we ignore the issue we are not there. We lose contact with reality. In both cases we do not learn and grow. We live with fear. The good news is that we can recognise our avoiding and ignoring behaviour patterns and experiment with confronting our fears head on.

Back with Tamtam in the washbox, Willy showed him that he had a whip and then tacked him up (normal saddle and leather Pelham) and took him into the manege. After a few tours loose in walk Willy got on and headed out of the manege for a hack with me on foot. As we reached the exit to the chemin, Eric called and Tamtam stopped. Willy asked him to walk on and Tamtam reversed and threatened to rear. Willy sent him forwards and Tamtam tried to push him into the hedge. This time Tamtam got the whip and he scuttled forwards before settling down into a nice active walk. After that he was impeccably behaved. At various times Willy asked him to stop and wait or turn around…and then advance again….all obediently done…..for which he received a lot of praise. It was a happy confident horse that returned to the washbox and received his reward of a piece of apple.

We talked about it afterwards. I am afraid to confront because I care about what others think of me. I want to be liked. I don’t like to hear someone say that I am nasty or horrible. It hurts me. Willy says it doesn’t hurt him. He doesn't need to be liked , he needs to be respected. He takes his feedback from the source of all honesty = the horse. He cares about his relationship with each horse and that it is growing in trust and mutual respect. He wants the same with the people but he knows that he cannot control what other people think. I think I need to learn to do the same.

On that note I want to bring this blog to a close as I have a book to write. I hope that like me you will want to know the rest of the story and will read the book when it is drafted.  I'm going to finish with just a couple of photos of the three of us "TamTam ,me and him". Thank you for reading.